Life of Steve

Penn State best place for Singles

I remember fondly my time at Penn State as an undergraduate. There were (are) many young single men and women who attend the University and so I am not surprised at all to see that Money Magazine ranked State College, PA #1 under the category of: Where the Singles Are- Best Places to Live.

I always wondered when I was attending school there if there was a better place or a higher concentration of single men and women in another place I would live after college. This article gave me the answer: No place is more single that State College, PA.

Working Dates?

I learned about something new (new to me) from an article (Dinner and a Powerpoint? Working Dates' Catch On)on CareerJournal I read today. Apparently something called "Working Dates" is becoming commonplace. According to the article a "Working Date" is when two people get together and work most of the time spent together and perhaps spend a few minutes not working together.

Not entirely sure how I feel about this idea. It sounds to me like they have taken the idea of Multi-tasking a little further. Have we really reached the point in our evolution where you can only "date" at the same time as you are working? If your employer or yourself (if you work for yourself) is unwilling to give you time to have a social life then you have to "Multi-Task" and work and be social at the same time? Of course if one party says they are too busy to go out on a date this is no longer a valid excuse since you can have a "working date" Right?

Speaking for myself. When I am working I am working. Work Life balance is an important challenge in many professionals lives today since we work longer hours, face greater competitive pressures, a faster paced environment, and technology that allows us to work 24/7. Dating is difficult under ideal circumstances but also adding in the pressure of work at the same time seems like it would be too much to handle. On a regular date you might encounter a whole range of distractions and issues but usually you wouldn't *actually* be working during the time you are trying to get to know someone.

As always, feedback and thoughts are welcome. However, do you really want to "date" someone who isn't willing to leave the job at the office (at least for a few hours) to get to know you?  I am thinking (if I were single) I would have to say "No" to a  "Work Date."

Are Women too aggressive?

Just read an article on Yahoo. (BTW I really need to stop doing that. Most of what I read on Yahoo is merely crap which seems to make for excellent Blog Fodder but little else.)

Anyways, the (real) question isn’t really are women too aggressive. The real question is how do guys feel about women being aggressive or passive?

The article mentions that guys are probably agreeable to aggressive women in the beginning. This is true. The reason this is true is that it makes it easier for the guy to understand that a girl is actually interested. You see ladies. Us guys have these things called pride and egos. Both of which don’t feel very good when we pursue too many women who are not interested. Letting a guy know you are interested is more than just a good idea. It’s essential to getting our attention. Do something wild and aggressive and we will notice you. Something like being the first to say “Hi.” Crazy I know.

Another point in the article is that women are too aggressive at the beginning of a relationship. Too eager to have us be your boyfriend. I have not really found this to be true myself. Let’s say that for the sake of argument is it. Well it would certainly let us know where you were coming from and then we could make our own decision if we were comfortable with that. I still don’t see this being the case at all in my experience. I see women who are not aggressive enough and then the guy either loses interest or never realizes that a relationship was what you women had in mind.

One point that this article makes that I do actually agree with is that when women get too aggressive or pushy in a relationship it can cause problems. We men for the last x number of decades have had this idea that women don’t need us beaten into us by the popular feminist culture. However, the reality is that no one wants to be pushed around or dictated to (Male or Female.) Right?

So anyways stop worrying about being too aggressive and just be yourself. It’s not like you can pretend to be someone else indefinitely.

Is Valentines Day better for Singles?

I’m going to play devils advocate on this one. Valentines Day is widely known as being a big holiday for couples to celebrate. However, Is it really so great for people in a couple? Is it really so bad for Singles? Let’s challenge the conventional wisdom shall we?

When you are in a couple you have to worry about:

- Finding the perfect Flowers/Diamonds/Cars for your Sweetie this Valentines Day (as per all the advertisements on TV and in the stores.)

-Assuming you don’t find the correct gift you will have to endure the scorn of her girlfriends when they find out you got her an apron for Valentines Day.

-Hear the stories about how one of her girlfriends has a Husband/Boyfriend/Boy Toy who really got or did something “Over the Top” and will make the box of her favorite chocolates looks really crappy in comparison.

-Worry about breaking up with your girlfriend/boyfriend as a result of unmet expectations regarding the holiday. (I know some people would file this under “Urban Legend” but I can attest it is true. I personally know a couple who broke up one year as a result of him not meeting her V-day expectations.)

-Getting asked by friends/family/etc “What are you doing/getting with/for her this Valentines Day.”

-Reading silly articles/blogs/etc about what you should or should not get her for Valentines Day.

When you are Single on Valentines Day you think about:

- What Charlie Brown said “I know no one likes me. Why do they have to have a Valentines Day to emphasize it?”

-All my couple friends go AWOL for 2 weekends while they are off celebrating Valentines Day together.

And that’s it.

If you are single, other than knowing you don’t have to participate (do anything) for the holiday you have the added benefit of knowing “You don’t HAVE TO participate .” Last I checked not having to do anything is easier than having to do something. Just ask Congress.

Of course I do realize that I am writing this primarily from the male point of view. For the female point of view just add in that you get the presents instead of buying the presents and also remove all the pressure (Guys aren’t going to have a crying fit if you don’t buy them something incredible for V-day.)

I know that my single female readers will chime in on this one. So here it what I think they should do. Buy yourself a present. It won’t be a screwed up present like a guy would get you (Because us guys suck at that sort of thing anyways.) Yeah, I know you will have to spend your own money (wah) but you will get what you always wanted Right? You can’t have everything after all. Plus you can think that “If I had a husband/boyfriend/whatever he might not let me spend money on something as frivolous as this.”

Happy Valentines Day!

Finding Dates Worth Keeping: Course at College in South Dakota

I found this article about a new college course designed to help teach college students how to find dates worth keeping. Unfortunately the article really didn’t provide any other details about the course other than topics might include: “Infatuation and When it is best to Break Up.” The instructor is some lady who has been married for the last 28 years.

The “Married for 28 years” credential is the one I am having problems with. (I hate to tell ya but…) Stories about your dating your (now) husband back in the late 1970’s might not help us very much right now. The world has changed just a little bit since then. With the average age of marriage going from the teens to the late 20’s, the number of failed relationships, seriousness of those relationships well into your 20's and 30's, increased and much younger sexual activity, diseases (AIDS Hello!), etc. are all very very different now. Consider this question: How well do your parents understand the dating situation today? Exactly.

I really do want to know what topics might be coming up in the course from kids today that would never have come up in the “olden days.” Too many perverted items to list are coming to mind.

Could this course be of some value? Perhaps. My gut feeling is that the stories of the other students in the class might be more informative than the personal stories of the teacher. One more thought: There is no substitute for your own life experience.

(Would the class teach you not to answer this Ad?)

Wait! Did I just get Parodied on TV?

I just watched the How I met your Mother: Single Stamina Episode and thought:

“Was this a Parody of me?”

The jist of this episode was that when you are single you have the “Single Stamina” and when you are in a couple you don’t and want to be home in a warm bed or under a blanket on the couch drinking hot chocolate and watching a DVD on a Friday night instead of going out to a bar or club to drink and meet new fun people.

You can always tell the singles vs. the couples in a bar.

Check! I'm guilty.They contrasted the body language between singles and couples in a bar. It's true: you can always tell who in the bar are couples by those "I just want to be in my warm bed" looks on their faces. Plus they don't really seem as excited about meeting new people because they are in a couple.

How do you think your "other half" is going to like you making a hot new friend while you are out? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Plus, Meet new people? Are you kidding me? I barely have time to work, go to the Gym and my Boxing Class, take care of stuff in the House, Spend some time with the Girl, and maybe watch some TV I recorded on my DVR or some Football. (Also in my case, Actually Plan my Wedding.) When am I going to have time to hang out and get to know "new people?" Yikes! My old friends are probably going to want some of my attention and I knew them first,

Staying in (vs. going out) and wearing PJ’s.

(Why would I want to change out of these comfortable PJ Pants and slippers?)

Yeah this one is true too. You go through the whole week of work. Busting your ass. You finally have the chance to kick back a bit (and maybe even get some sleep) with your honey. You’re beat. You don’t have to go out scouting for a girl. (Hey! You have one living right here!) So you come home from work. Change into the PJ’s. and stay at home. 

When you are out you hit 9PM and you are finished.

So you call it a night. (This assumes you went out in the first place.) It’s a different ball game. You already know who you are going home with anyways. Plus you probably know what is waiting for you at home is better than what is going on in Public at this smoky bar with all the same predictable characters.

Like all the young men in there trying to pick up women. Are you really going to get past the “cock-block” wall of Striped Shirts, Jeans, and Backward Ball Caps to talk to anyone? Or is it easier to just hang with your boys and then go home to your honey?

Plus what is waiting for you behind that wall? If you are lucky there are some sluttish hot girls. In reality you have some average (hopefully) looking girls who merely think they are hot and (therefore) wouldn’t talk to you anyways. These are the women your single friends want to talk to but you don’t even have the motivation or energy to be a decent wingman.

So just like all good humor, it’s mostly anchored in truth. I used to beat up on the “coupled” and tell them they “vanished off the Earth.” Now though, I think I am starting to get it. It’s that or I am getting old. I prefer to believe the former.

 

Mad Props for my Boyz

Certain people have that type of personality that make them a good salesperson. They seem to have the ability to talk anyone into anything. These people are accustomed to talking to strangers all the time, establishing rapport, and closing the deal. I actually admire the talent these people have since I don’t have it. In addition, most of my own good friends are also not in the sales field either where rejection comes with the territory.

Which leads into what I was going to talk about. If you are not naturally a salesmen dating and dealing with the opposite sex as a single male requires a great deal of effort, persistence, and self confidence. No question about it that it’s tough. Us guys need to approach the women, initiate the conversations, do the asking, and risk the rejection in a dating world increasingly devoid of any discernable rules or protocols. I’ve been engaged for six months now but I still remember that it’s a Jungle out there.

I could go on for about 10 pages with this one but I’ll keep it short and give some credit to all my boyz who go out there, put it on the line, risking rejection and their sanity while trying to find a girl that is right for them. Good Hunting!

The importance of Date Night.

I used to be somewhat harsh on the couples I knew who would forsake going out with the wild single crowd (of which I formerly was) for something called “Date Night.”

Sometimes they would mention something along the lines of “Having been very busy during the week” or “With the significant other out of town they wanted to spend some time together.”

Before I didn’t really give this “Date Night” idea a lot of credibility. Now I do.

The “old” me would think the following: If you are together all the time why can’t you spare the weekend nights to be out having fun with us.

The “new” me realizes the following: Although a couple may spend all of their free time together, that time is broken into 2 categories:

1.    Time spent doing things you don’t want to do but have to. (85-95%)

(Ex: Laundry, Dishes, Cutting Grass, Family Events, Housework, etc)

2.    Time spent doing things you want to do. (5-10%)

(Ex: Watching a Movie together, Drinking Wine, Playing with the Dog, etc)

The problem is that the sheer lack of the “Good Time” (Time available to do things you actually want to do) becomes scarce enough that you need to sometimes start to prioritize. Since relationships take work, this is the (only) time available to enjoy each other so it becomes important to take advantage of that time.

People are very busy. We have a very active social life with lots of great friends as well. So while it is important for us to spend time with them, it also becomes important to set aside some time “for us.” In the absence of “reserving” this time it will get taken up by other priorities or responsibilities and there will be none left over. At least, this is what tends to occur in my experience.

Which leads up to….. Date Night.

That being said I don’t think it is good for a couple to completely vanish from everyone else when they are dating or involved in a serious relationship. However, I think it is wise to cut them some slack when they can’t make it out with everyone since we all know how precious that “free time” can be. Balance is key.

Spark Required

Not excited? No Fireworks? No Spark?

Might be fine for a friend but not for a Boyfriend/Girlfriend (in a relationship context.)

What made me think of this was reading a blog entry somewhere with the writer musing that they were dating someone for a number of months now but the missing piece was the “Fireworks.”

In my experience this is something that really should be present before the dating begins or at the very latest, shortly thereafter. I know it seems tempting to ”date” someone who you are very compatible with but do not have an attraction for, but that attraction piece is important. You also won’t be able to fake an attraction for an extended period of time.

I suspect that when/if someone has been out of the game for a while (not had many dates) they might be tempted to try to date someone who is available or somewhat compatible in the hope that an attraction will develop over time. It could happen. It rarely does. You might be tempted since the person “looks good on paper” (ex: They might meet many of your criteria: Good Job, Similar Values, Local, etc) but I advise resisting the urge to “force” a relationship or the attraction you want in one. Full Disclosure: Yes, I have done this myself and realized you can’t “force” the spark.

This feeling is what separates a friend from a lover. Trust me, that feeling will appear when it should. If weeks and months go by and it’s not there, walk away. The other person will appreciate it and you will both be better off. It’s takes more than just an attraction to have a relationship but the attraction is critical. Don’t have one without it.

Also consider this thought: Your “Highly Compatible” friend of the opposite sex might be the one who introduces you to the person you WILL be attracted to.

Attraction

“Addiction is gradual, Love is a chemical”

Sun Don’t Shine- The Clarks

I read this article yesterday on “The Science of Attraction” on the Happy News website and decided to write down some thoughts about attraction for Valentines Day (I figured this would be a little better than my annual rant about the holiday!)

“the visual component, be it narcissistic or biological, is strong. Facial symmetry, facial similarity to our own and waist/hip ratios (the hour-glass figure) are instinctively perceived as attractive, indicating that good health, as well as a positive mental outlook, is interpreted as more appealing and, among men, regarded as an indicator of capability of having healthy offspring.”

Of course this is true. This is why men will notice an attractive females visually, always. A man following an attractive female with his eyes is as much a reflex as breathing or flinching. Men are biologically wired this way.

“your personality strongly affects the degree to which others find you attractive. Think about your sense of humor, laughter, cheerfulness, dependability, trust and empathy; favorably regarded personality traits enhance your image causing others to actually perceive you as more physically attractive.”

Having known physically attractive women without the personality to match this I also believe. I want to see the smile, be able to depend on her to show up for stuff (dates?), and also be able to trust her. Personality can make or break the attraction.

“"Our pheromones play a dominant role in drawing [and] attracting someone to us," said Cutler, co-discoverer of pheromones in humans and their crucial role in sexual communication.”

And

“Numerous human pheromone research has taken place in the last several years,.A 14-week San Francisco State University study of 36 unmarried women, published in Physiology and Behavior , found that "74 percent reported enhanced sex lives when their perfume was laced with the odorless chemical," as reported by ABC in 2002.”

The “actual chemistry” involved in the Chemistry between two people is something I also can believe. Have you ever been extremely attracted to someone who was not physically or personality-wise your type? Madly in Love/Lust? (In an insane sort of way that you can’t seem to logically explain?) I can definitely buy an explaination that chemicals or pheromones could be responsible for an insane attraction not based on looks or personality.

Now, having said all that the nature of attraction is different for everyone. No general rules apply (Even though we constantly try to apply them. Ex: Guys like blonde, Women like tall men, etc.) Everyone is different and is attracted to different physical traits, personalities, and chemicals (The chemicals part might just be me but….) Some of us have found someone who is a 3/3 (Looks, Personality, and Chemistry) and some of us have not. I suppose the good news is that even 1/3 is probably enough to get something started. Good Luck!