Life of Steve

Unhooked Generation Part III No Strings Attached

Dating and Courtship (as we knew it is mostly dead)- No Strings Attached. (Part III)

For lots of reasons (including part I and II in my current series) it seems as if the idea of dating exclusively, and waiting to get to know someone prior to being intimate is a thing of the past. Other reasons the author goes into is that our generation had a lot of divorced parents to deal with. However, she did talk with both children of happily married parents who have the same attitude. Clearly something other than a bad childhood is at work here.

More Quotes from the Book and Feedback:

“Hooking up as a way to break this ice. You don’t want to waste a month of your life getting to know someone only to find out you are not sexually compatible. “

The previous stereotype was that the men would be pushing the women to get physical and the women would be resistant until they were sure the relationship had potential. In the new world, the women are the ones deciding to have sex on the first meeting and to immediately decide if there is sexual compatibility.

“I don’t see the point of waiting at all. It is not a ‘deal breaker’ in a relationship because you had sex too fast.”

You would think that at least the impression that your partner holds you in some sort of special or exclusive category would hold some sort of meaning. I find it difficult to believe that someone who would have sex with someone very quickly would not have done the same with pretty much anyone.

“I want someone a little promiscuous. I don’t want to end up with forty years of missionary sex.”

I am blaming the Internet for this one. The proliferation of Porn to everyone leads to a raised sexual bar. In addition, the once taboo subject of sex is pretty much on every show on TV at this point. Whole women’s’ magazines are devoted to the subject of sex. Titles on the covers usually say “What HE really wants in Bed” or something to that effect.

 “recycled” “a term many people of my generation use to describe to having sex with an “ex.”

I call this breakup sex but the recycled term is probably better. (It implied that it happens multiple times vs. only once after a breakup.)Clearly in this case it is “no strings attached” since the strings were previously severed by the breakup.

“Marriage Lite. Is the holy grail for this generation: intimacy without risk, commitment without traps.”

Shows like Sex in the City and other popular entertainment also promote the idea of marriage not being taken seriously. “Less Strings Attached.” I suppose cohabitation (without a real commitment in place) is usually what they refer to as Marriage Lite. I am drawing a distinction though between soon to be married couples (engaged) cohabitating vs. merely a roommate situation. Let’s not kid ourselves about what is going on in the bedroom, ok. This is a “no strings attached” situation when you can leave whenever you want without a commitment.

We all either know people or have done or thought all of the above ourselves. So you know that our generation definitely has a “No Strings Attached” attitude. So there is no question that when you have everything minus the commitment, there is very little incentive to get (or have) it. I believe the saying from my parents generation would be something about “Free Milk and a Cow.”

Yet why not? Reward without the Risk. You would think that this would be paradise right? Well, not so fast my friend. The people she interviewed in this book told a different story. Although both men and women said that they enjoyed being able to have careless, meaningless sex with attractive people (pretty much at will) they found that they longed for something more.

(Quote from a male interviewee from the book.)

“A recent promotion at work made him view commitment in a different light:” “I desperately wanted to call someone—and I realized that there was no one to call. That is when I realized why I do want a long term relationship”

It appears the “no strings attached” has a flaw. None of the “flings” or “sex-buddies” were people this guy felt he could share something important in his life with. I have had the same feeling myself. After graduating from college and working at my first job I had worked very hard to complete my first professional certification. Since I had broken up with my girlfriend though and lived in a strange city I had no one special I could celebrate my accomplishment with.

 

Conclusion:

All the “seven deadly mistakes” mentioned in this book (I only picked 3) sound good in theory. Only worry about yourself and be selfish. Sounds great right? It’s all about me. Don’t put any effort into any relationships. Why bother? Why shouldn’t I only spend my time and money on myself? Why commit? I have lots of attractive women/men willing to share my bed, right?

Well, the easy answer is that doing these things don’t make us happy. At least not over the long term. We are social creatures but we are wired in a way physically and emotionally to want to have that special bond with someone. At the same time we have a lot of these expectations, social conditioning, sexual politics, etc that all work against us being able to open up and have the relationships that we long for. The good news that that recognizing this can help us to ignore such things and allow ourselves to drop the expectations, media portrayals, and sexual politics brainwashing that is preventing us from being happy.

I have already recommended this book to my girlfriend (who is reading it now) and also many male and female friends. The book is not the “silver bullet” to all your romantic woes, but I did find it did make me take a more introspective look at myself and the world I have observed while dating as an adult. Hopefully it will help put the romantic challenges we have in perspective, and maybe even help us get closer to success.

Review of "Unhooked Generation" Part II: Effortless Relationships

Expectation of a successful effortless relationship. (Part II)

It appears that among my generation we have an expectation that starting and maintaining a relationship should require no effort whatsoever. A couple of quotes from the book (and from my own life) back up this line of thinking:

“The assumption that any amount of suffering is unnecessary has taken hold in romantic relationships”

We seem to have a very low (almost non-existent) tolerance for anything that resembles effort or unpleasantness when dealing with dating and/or relationships. I remember a particular episode of “Friends” that illustrates this point extremely well. Chandler and Monica have their first fight. At the end of the fight Chandler says to Monica “Well I suppose this is it.” To which Monica replies “We had a fight, every relationship doesn’t have to end the first time a couple fights.” Sure this is from a TV show, however I know people who have had relationships end at the first fight (myself included.) I am sure you know people who are the same. Anything (at all) that goes wrong and they will “cut and run.”

“No one ever said to me, ‘Sophia, nobody is perfect, doubts are natural or maybe you should talk to someone about what is going on with you; maybe you are the one afraid of commitment.”

Ok. Since the message is not getting across I’ll say it. “NOBODY IS PERFECT and NOTHING IS PERFECT.” Expect things to go wrong, expect to overcome challenges and for things to not always go your way. In life and in love this is true. Learn it now. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

“Gen-Xer’s feel entitled to a relationship that is always fun and easy, when the relationship requires work, we often believe it is time to move on to the next one.”

If you bail out as soon as any relationship requires any work how will you know if you left all the money on the table and walked away from something great? Allow me to answer this question for you. You will know after you have seen that other people were not as good as the one you left behind in the future. My suggestion, why don’t you actually give the relationships more than a superficial token chance? You might find out that it is worth the effort instead of regretting it in the years to come. "He who dares, wins" It's true here as well. You need to take a chance to win.

“I have heard several of my friends over the years , struggling in relationships, utter the phrase, “It shouldn’t be this hard.”

Sure, if you expectation is that no relationship should require any effort than it will seem like “any relationship” is too much work. In addition, who told you it would be easy?

“I know you say that relationships take work but it shouldn’t have to be this hard”

This is an actual quote from a breakup letter from an ex-girlfriend of mine.(Not from the book) Living proof of exactly what this book is trying to explain. While I attempted to explain that successful relationships would require work and effort, I was incapable of getting the message through to her.

Our generation merely expects this to magically be taken care of on our terms, on our timeframe, just because we want it to be this way. In this respect our expectations are way out of line with reality. I don’t understand this because we don’t have this expectation about other things in our lives. No one I know expects to not put any effort or work into their jobs and careers and be successful. Yet we expect that without having to do anything some guy/girl (and the perfect one by the way) will merely appear when we wish (as if we rub the soul mate genie lamp and they will appear) and we will be happy forever. In addition, we seem to believe that if we deal with anyone for which this is not the case “Well, then I guess they just weren’t the right one.” When dealing with someone in a romantic relationship at the first sign of any problems we bolt. It’s not worth it if we have to work at it or if everything is not perfect.

In addition, I have seen that some people will be unwilling to even try at dating. “I’m not really looking to be dating right now.” Or “I am told that I don’t really give guys a chance” It would appear that there is an even more extreme form of these expectations. Some people must have such a high degree of certainty that they will fail that they won’t even start a relationship.

You all have friends or ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands for which this occurred. You know it’s true. Until our expectations change and we make this decision to give people an honest chance we will continue to have problems in every relationship we attempt and we will fail.

Review of "Unhooked Generation" Part I: Selfishness

Introduction:

I recently read an article on MSNBC titled “Why so many singles can’t find love”

about a book called Unhooked Generation: by Jillian Straus

After reading the article it sounded very interesting so I decided to get and read the book. This book was so accurately on target that I decided to do a 3 part blog entry on it. In addition I would recommend this book to anyone who is single or even married. It provides an excellent perspective on why finding “the one” is really really difficult for our generation (X) and what we can do about it.

Selfishness. (Part I)

Or as my one buddy says it “Me me me me me me me me” (imagine being said with a highly pitched female voice.)

Here are some quotes directly from this book and my own thoughts and analysis:

“74 percent of men who are delaying marriage agree with the following statement, “At this stage in my life I want fun and freedom.””

As in anything in life there are trade offs. When you are in a relationship you will have to sacrifice (I know dirty word!) some things for the good of the family. Of course people can(and should) have fun together, but some freedom is likely to be given up as your partner/family has needs.

“Tying the knot can certainly get in the way of the pursuit of a self-focused lifestyle that revolves around spending money frivolously.”

If someone’s highest priorities are spending money frivously on herself/himself then being in a relationship/marriage will absolutely get in the way. From a practical standpoint you will not be able to spend all your time, money, and energy on yourself. In addition, assuming the single person is successful, over time by delaying marriage they can finance a very Extravagant lifestyle. The single guy/girl has more to give up as they become used to a very expensive self-centered lifestyle. It’s not all about “you” anymore.

“He is practical and wants to save for the future. But I resent having to give those things up. “

As a single person you really don’t have to spend money on anyone but yourself. You also are not likely to have to dedicate resources to “practical” items and may fear having to do so. A husband/wife who wants to have a house, a retirement plan, children (who will require a college education) is likely to put a real cramp in the frivolous lifestyle you can maintain being single. I realize that Americans in general are tremendously bad at saving money. However, the successful single individual simply has more money to waste on himself/herself.

“I don’t want marriage to be about depriving myself of things.”

Allow me to translate:” I am used to doing whatever I please and I don’t plan on changing or compromising anything I want to get under any circumstances (including marriage.)” In other words, Marriage is ok as long as I can have anything I want. Does anyone besides me see how difficult it would be to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to make any material sacrifices regardless of the financial circumstances that may be involved??? The second there is any sort of financial hardship or even if you need to prioritize anything you will need to buy all hell will break loose.

Most (not all) of the single people think this way. Some of them are in denial, but they do. Only a couple of years ago I was trying to explain to a (now former) girlfriend that there will be a time in the future when she is married that she will not be living the same sort of lifestyle that she lives today. The context of this conversation was that the future I was envisioning (ultimately) would be with a wife and kids. When I enter that stage of my life I won’t be out drinking with my buddies and girls multiple nights a week. I won’t be eating fancy dinners when/if the children need clothes, money for school, a house to live in (mortgage payment) etc. In addition, although I do enjoy my current lifestyle, I do realize (because I am a practical man) the a future with a wife and family may require some personal sacrifices in my personal lifestyle. Her response was that a marriage without her being able to go to the spa, out to fancy dinners, go out with her girlfriends multiple times a week, and to buy whatever whenever she pleased was simply beyond her comprehension.

I am not letting guys off the hook either. I know single guys who make great money and also can’t envision a lifestyle where they cannot do whatever they want whenever they want. I have been told by them “The single life is really not that bad. If I want to spend my money on a new expensive car or motorcycle I can. If I want to travel to Europe for a month I don’t have to ask anyone and there is nothing to stop me. If I was married I couldn’t do any of those things.” While they have every right to feel this way, this self-centered attitude will cause major problems in a marriage. Usually when my female friends hear me describe such men they will say “They are not mature or ready yet.” Maybe so, but I have to wonder if more years of being used to only expending energy on yourself will make you less or more selfish. My bet is on more. Time will not “mature” these types of people, in fact it will get even tougher the longer you are used to it.

I think a lot of this comes from the pressures and expectations that make us believe we need to be successful prior to being married (while single.) This idea is definitely promoted by the entertainment media. We don’t watch too many sitcoms on TV about poor families now do we? (The book also touches on this) The single people are glorified as having such expensive and wonderful things that it is always in the back (or front) of our minds. This creates a mentality that you can have these things (and should) as a single person and you can’t as a married one. There is also peer pressure and parental pressure. My mom used to tell me when I was younger “Go out and do (and buy) all the stuff you want before you settle down.” Of course, my mom doesn’t tell me that anymore. Now she tells me “You don’t want to wait too long to settle down and start a family.”

I won’t let my younger self off the hook either. When I was in my early 20’s I thought the same way as described in the book. When I was younger and had a serious girlfriend many of my friends told me that I was too young to settle down. I myself also thought that there were other things I wanted to do before getting married. One of these was to get my Graduate Degree. In my case it only took a year and I completed it when I was 24 years old. However, had I met the perfect person prior and if she wanted to get married then (thus preventing my further schooling) I would not have and I would have lost out. In that case what “I” wanted to do would have absolutely been a barrier to being with “the one.”

The difference (for me) is that as I get older and gain more life experience I better understand the reality of this and become less (not more) likely to prioritize my own selfish needs above the person who I will want to be with. Not that I think the transition will be easy, but I can at least comprehend why it is important. Most singles don’t and won’t. Most will become more selfish as the years go by and will become more accustomed to their own independent and self-centered ways making it even harder to give anything up. More used to always having it “their way” and having a much tougher time being able to make a commitment to someone who would be a great spouse and partner.

 

Live Well on Less than you think

Author: Fred Brock

This book falls under the "What I'm reading" area. Although I consider myself to be pretty savy in the area of Personal Finance, I am always looking to learn something new (or to confirm what I always thought but never heard anyone else say.) If you would like to learn to manage your money better I would advise you to read this book.

Lots of areas are covered: Debt, Cost of Living in different places, Salaries in different places, Education, Cars, Credit Cards, etc.

One of the things I always suspected (and this book confirms) is that the more expensive places to live (ex: NY, SF) do not have salaries that make up for the higher cost of living. (Ex: 100% more expensive but salaries are only 30% higher)

How the small things can add up. Ex: $5 coffee from Starbucks each working day over a year is $1300.

The book also helps to explain what insurance you might need (depending on your age, family, etc.)

Also it covers the cost and value of different education options. (Hint: The most expensive is not always the best value overall)

What are the best car values. Used vs. New. How long to keep them. Costs to maintain (Gas, Maintainence, Insurance, etc.)

In summary, I honestly feel that this book (or a similar one) should be required reading for every college (and probably high school) student so they don't need to learn these lessons the hard way.