Life of Steve

“Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” Article

I read this article online recently where the Author is trying to make the case for women to Marry guys that are "Good" but not "Perfect." It was interesting to me even though the author came across sounding like a well meaning Aunt or Grandmother giving some old-fashioned but still valuable advice.

Here are the main points she makes in the article:

There are women (probably the majority) who would be very happy with a Husband and a Family.

Single women who are older tend to have increasing anxiety about finding a guy to settle down with.

Unrealistic and unreasonable expectations can prevent you from finding that person that you could be happy with.

The type of guy you would be happy dating could be the opposite of the type of guy you would have a happy marriage with.

No one is perfect and you might be happy “Settling” for a man who is very good but not perfect.

Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with.

Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business.

Aside from being completely counter to womens modern marriage ideal that they have been sold what fascinated me about this article was the complete Hysteria caused by it (Visible in the comments section. One other great example is in this Blog.)

Merely the suggestion that these women should "Settle" for anything less than they are owed led to many strong and angry reactions by women commenters. Clearly dropping the "S" word caused a lot of the reaction. I also think that there is a very liberal interpetation of exactly what the author meant by 'Settling." For example, one person said that they "Settled" for some guy who beat her and it was a bad idea. Excuse me! That was not "Settling." That was a tragic error in judgement. Some men did comment on this story and did provide me with some nods and some laughs. My overall thought on the reaction was that I never quite realized how many angry, bitter, jaded women are out there. They are so passionate and reactions so strong about how they disagree with the author that I wonder if there is a real fear that she might have a valid point and these women might at least be partly to blame for their problems in finding a guy to share a life with. My second thought was "I am glad I was never that jaded, hopeless, and angry. Maybe it's a Guy perspective but I always had hope and was confident I would be successful in finding the person I should be with. Even after I passed the 30 year mark!."

Here are my final thoughts: I think that maturity plays a major role in how people approach relationships and marriage. Maturity also involves acting like an adult and not a spoiled child. Being a realistic person comes with this maturity and also the confidence that makes a person attractive and a good partner. Fortunately, maturity usually comes with age. Sure we tend to become less attractive as we age but "Youth is wasted on the Young" Right? Don't make the mistake of thinking that what you see in romantic movies or fairy tales is real life. Deal with life as it is, put your best foot forward, and take a long hard look in the mirror before you judge us men too harshly. Good luck! 

The Good Wife's Guide: (Circa 1955)

Found this list online. Wow! How things have changed!

Does anyone have a Flux Capacitor handy??

The Good Wife's Guide
From "Housekeeping Monthly", May 13, 1955.

- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about is needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

- Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

- Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

- Be happy to see him.

- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.

- Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

- Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice.

- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

- A good wife always knows her place.

Why Men are Happier

There was a bit on the Today Show this morning (I caught the video clip on the web. I wouldn’t be caught dead watching the live version of the today show.) about a study showing men are happier than women and why.

Let’s answer the first question first. Are Men happier on average than women?

Yes, we are.

Ok. Why?

According to the Today show they brought out all the usual PC garbage observations. For example, women are working now (like that just started last year vs. 40 years ago!) and are busier. Also, when women visit their parents their husbands like talking to their dad (I am totally confused by this one. Do women hate talking to their parents? Do women’s parents make them unhappy?) The other item is that when they visit the Wife’s Parents the men might get to do something fun like watch football. (Could someone tell me how this would be applicable on ANY DAY OTHER THAN THANKSGIVING? Wow! That whole one day made us sooo much happier that we beat women on the survey?) Hooey! Is this the best you could come up with? The only thing the women’s responses taught me is that they have no idea how to identify the cause of their unhappiness and will merely parrot something they heard on TV or from someone else.

So now that we got the PC answer out of the way Steve can tell you the reality. Women, Men are happier than you for this one reason.:

We have fewer things that we decide to worry about.

That’s it. Our top 3 list is Job, Food, & Sex. (There are a couple of other items but most of them are minor. My football team losing will make me unhappy but not enough to dramatically affect my life!) Your list of things you decide to get upset about is Infinity +1. Consider this: 98 percent of what you get worked up about is probably irrelevant. Does it matter if you house is dusty if no one is coming over? Does it matter if Dinner is 15, 30, 45 minutes late? Does it matter if the grass gets cut on Tues, vs. Saturday and so on. Most Guys don’t get upset by everything in their lives that isn’t perfect. Does worrying about everything that is not perfect tend to make someone unhappy? I say Yes! I am trying to imagine getting worked up about everything in my life that is not perfect and trying to think about how that might affect my mood. Yep! I am pretty sure if I let everything in my life bother me (regardless of importance) I would be pretty miserable too.

Of course this generalization doesn’t apply to everyone. You will always find an exception where the roles are reversed. As a general rule though, irrespective of fairness, men generally tend to worry about less things than women. As a result, we are happier. Women, why not try to worry only about important problems? Worry like a guy. It’s worth a shot, Right?

More Advice from Doctor Steve (Like Doctor Phil.)

Recently I watched a video on the CNN website about “Work, family, put demands on women.” and I had some thoughts on the content. (The content is in quotes.)

“Women in the workplace are finding that while focusing on their careers do not find time to date.”

First of all. Where is the Man on this segment saying that “While I am working toward my MD working 20 hour days I can’t find time to date.”

You don’t hear that. Not on a CNN broadcast and not likely on any TV segment. Do you know why? Because he would get laughed out of the room. Lots of men in addition to women have demanding careers. The difference is that the men are expected to deal with it and the women are not (Or this wouldn’t be a story on CNN.) To the man the answer is “You know what is required of you for your chosen career. Do it or find a new career.” To the women the answer is “It’s not fair because I’m a girl.”

“Dedicate all the time in their lives to work and realize that they are unmarried and/or not dating.”

Not to belabor the point but this is true for EVERYONE (Men and Women.) Men make choices just like women make choices. The outcomes are the results of those choices. For example: Let’s say someone is trying to decide if they should attend evening classes to enhance their career. The trade off (There are always tradeoffs) could be that the man/women will have less free time to have a social life which could hamper dating. We can (and do) have single men (as well as women) who have made the same choice. The Career took primary importance and they are single and do not have good dating prospects. A sane individual realizes that dating and relationships might require time and energy. Accordingly, they will make choices about what time and energy they spend in their lives based on how important social aspects are as opposed to professional ones. An unrealistic person will not have this expectation and will be whiny and disappointed at their own unrealistic expectations of success without effort.

I hate to bring up the obvious but The trend is that EVERYONE spends more time at work. (Male and Female) in our country today. This is a global truth and not a female only issue.

“High number of women in the 30’s bailing out of the professional tracks.”

Ok. So where is the problem? If I see a survey that says: “A High number of Men in their 50’s don’t want to be auto mechanics.” Then I will assume it’s just not the job for them. It’s a choice. Businesses are about making money. Pure and Simple. If the women are that talented and are such high contributors then the companies and the women will work something out together (To the mutual benefit of both.) If this is not the case then the women will find something else to do which suits them better. It’s called freedom. It’s called the labor market. It tends to work very well.

“14 percent in corporate America want to be childless

but

42 percent of professional women are.”

I won’t attempt verify these statistics (but I will comment on the trend it is attempting to show.)

Given a choice to decide what is more important to these women (dating, marriage, family or career success) they have decided (by their own action/inaction) that the career is more important. Of course the stats seem to indicate one of two things.

1. They      regret the choice they have made (not likely in my opinion.)
2. They      want something they don’t have

I know number 2 might be somewhat obvious. But consider these statements:

“I want to eat 10 donuts a day and lose weight.”

“I want to be a doctor but will not go to medical school.”

“I want to be able to speak French but don’t want to Study French.”

Just because you WANT things doesn’t mean that it is possible in reality. I want a private Jet but don’t want to pay for it. Anyone out there think that is going to happen?

“My Mom says treat dating like a job, spend time, decide to dedicate time to have men in your lives.”

Dix wants to have it all. She is realizing (hopefully) that you can’t actually have it all. No one can. You decide your priorities in life (ex: Career, Family, Money, Social Life, etc) and dedicate your energies accordingly.

Dix’s (the 39 year old women featured in this clip) Mom says that in order to find someone and have a relationship (a successful) one will require some of her time and her effort. Her mom is exactly correct. However, people who “Want to have it all” usually want things to simply fall into their lap. This sobering (Mom) advice is not what they want to hear. Take it from me. A guy is not going to be interested in getting to know a woman who doesn’t have the time to spend to get to know him back. I know you were told you can have it all without trying. It’s not true. Reject the bad advice you were given. Prioritize what is important to you in your life. Take action. Stop whining. The power is in your own hands.

Feedback from Ex’s deserves healthy skepticism

Here is the situation. You have started to have an interest in a particular guy. Seems nice, cute, fun to be around. However, something has begun to worry you. Some girl he used to “date” (term could be applied loosely) knows some of your friends and decided to “warn” you about him.

My advice: Take these comments (especially if they seem very out of character) with a grain (or perhaps an entire truck) of salt.

More than once I have heard “disparaging comments” from an ex of a guy I know very well. In some cases the reality is that “she” is the one who is insane.

In addition, it could be that the traits that “she” found unacceptable you may find rather endearing. For example, maybe you like a very spontaneous guy and she found it too intense. Or the opposite could be true (His careful pondering and planning is refreshing vs. controlling to you.)

The point is this: His ex might (just might) not have your best interest in mind. (Hey! She might even be keeping you away so she can get him back!) Find out the truth for yourself. People can’t hide who they really are indefinitely.

However, I am not advocating accepting a situation that is truly dangerous. If she says he is likely to stalk you (for example) and he does exhibit those tendencies then Stay Away! Be skeptical, but certainly not clueless or oblivious.

Note: All this is true in reverse. Guys hearing about a new interest from “her” ex. I only wrote this to “The Ladies” since this is the “Advice for the Ladies” Category.

How to get a guy to dance.

Ok. On to some lighter subjects.

I don’t really know why girls dance, but I know why guys do and don’t (Straight Guys that is.)

 

Why we don’t dance:

First of all, Regular guys don’t really like to dance.

A couple of reasons for this. One reason is that the music we like is not music you can dance to. Ever try to dance to Metallica? It’s a little hard to get a groove on to “Enter Sandman.” We don’t mind rocking out to our favorite tunes, raising a beer, etc but dancing for dancing’s sake is not on the agenda.

Another reason is that unlike women, we tend to look completely retarded when dancing. Most women on the floor actually look cute and/or sexy while shaking their bodies on the floor. Us guys look like we are having a seizure or like we are about ready to fall down half the time. Although drinking can help our minds think dancing is a good idea, it doesn’t do wonders for our coordination.

 

Why we will dance: (Under the right circumstances)

You. (Women)

Yeah, it’s really that simple. Let me try to explain this from the guy mindset. With an attractive girl in my arms (or tangled up on my body in some other way) I tend to look a lot less retarded despite the fact that I have no rhythm at all.The girls also notice from the looks I get and conversations that occur later. I didn’t want to dance but I did want more than just exchanging a glance and a smile with you. In this case it was a rewarding experience. The dancing was a means to getting an end. You.

 

The Advice:

Don’t get out on the floor with 5 of your girlfriends and stay there the whole night. Most guys won’t attempt to “penetrate” the “security wheel” you built on the floor to discourage intruders. And then at the end of the night you sigh and say “I didn’t meet one cute guy tonight!”

The dance floor is not familiar territory to guys. We can handle the bar, the sports stadium, the restaurant….. but the dance floor is not our comfortable zone. You need to entice a guy and make him feel welcome with you there. Most guys won’t approach a large group of girls on the floor.

Here is what you do: Get us one-on-one at the bar, chat for a few minutes, mention that you love this song, and then pull us out on the floor. Guys who are standing there alone are not going to give a hard time to guys who have a girls attention. Even if we think they look retarded we won’t tease them since they are with a cute/sexy girl and we are not. The fact that the music sucks will also be trumped by the fact that we have your attention and you picked us. The trick is to ease us into it. Maybe a couple of songs and then return to our bar comfort zone where we can buy you a drink and maybe exchange phone numbers later. Doesn’t that sound better than complaining you didn’t meet anyone? You can thank me later.

Read This Blog

I was asked to start making entries in the "Advice for the Ladies" Category.

First Lesson:

Read this Blog. I'll say what you boyfriend, husband, male friends are not telling or are afraid to say.

Do these steps in the following order.

1. Read it.
2. Try to Believe it.
3. Read it again.
4. Shake your head in disbelief.
5. Question reality.
6. Find out through your own experience that I am right.
7. Write me a comment that I am right.
8. Continue to read future entries.

Doth endeth the lesson.

Advice for the Ladies

I have decided to add a new category to my Blog. Based on feedback from my female friends it seems that you are getting a lot of bad advice from women writers, and gay male writers, in the magazines you read and shows you watch. In order to help you ladies out, I will offer real advice from a real man (myself.) Should be fun!